In my last post I had mentioned the battle I had felt that was going on in my mind since my mom passed away. I would say the battle was caused by the "whys", "what ifs" and anger I felt towards God. "Why didn't God heal her? He has the power to, why did He CHOOSE to take her away from ME?" "She's supposed to be here." "She was supposed to bake with her future grandchildren." Why can't my mom be with me physically on my wedding day?" "Why wasn't I enough for her to somehow stay?" "Why am I denied all of these things?" "WHY!?!" "What if my faith wasn't enough?" What if I didn't pray hard enough?" "What if we did something sooner?" "What if my faith wasn't even the size of a mustard seed?" "What if there was something I could have done to keep her?" "WHAT IF". I felt all of these things that led towards anger towards God. Anger because of the confusion, confusion caused by not understanding why this all has to be apart of God's plan. Confusion triggered by not TRUSTING God. This battle was mentally draining. The last two weeks I have felt peace because I decided to let God win this battle for me. The battle made me feel so broken and confused on how I was and am supposed to feel. ( In a future post I'll write more about how I now feel it's okay to feel broken because God can mend us.) I am this imperfect person feeling broken and having an ongoing battle in my mind between trusting God or falling into Satan's trap. I can tell you one thing for sure I was absolutely not going to let Satan have any control of my mind! One evening felt completely broken and hurt as if it was the very first day and that is when I became very aware that Satan wanted control, but hell to the no he CANNOT have control of this girl's mind! That night I felt broken and helpless, I felt like a complete mess and that is not okay with me. I felt stuck and those around me who love me noticed how stuck in this emotional state I was which was my big wake up call. What kind of hurt me the most was the fact that I felt I want/ am supposed to be this strong godly woman, but I wasn't living it out because I wasn't trusting God with my situation. That was the source of this draining battle, putting the trust in myself and leaning in my strength instead of the strength that comes by the grace of God. I now understand that my human strength will get me nowhere, but with God's strength I can (and will be) a conqueror. I will conquer this battle in my mind! I will be victorious! God will be my strength! Once I changed my attitude to that and realized how much of a mess my life can be without trusting God, peace and joy overcame me over that week. I feel part of myself returning to me, the genuine, happy me I was before all of this is starting to come back to me and I LOVE it! I have missed me and I'm slowly, but surely getting reacquainted with her again. The steps I'm taking towards conquering this battle are: 1) trusting God has a plan for what my flesh sees as a mess (but my spirit knows has a purpose) 2)doing things I have enjoyed doing before my mom passed (she did want me to go out and have fun despite everything. Thank you so much for pushing me to go out and do things, mom) 3) I read an awesome book by Joyce Meyers "Power Thoughts" which I plan to put into action 4) PRAY. I say this last, but it is definitely not the least. It is the hardest, but most effective. Give God your anger and talk to Him, He understands. He's my heavenly father and I am his daughter and I have been a bratty daughter throwing a fit because I don't understand. I am done pouting and I pan to move forward in HIS plan(not mine) Let God fight your battles, cast your anxieties upon Him for they are too heavy for us mere humans to handle. God will win our battles and Satan can never overcome us if we stand firm in God and rely on His truth. Jesus' precious blood was shed for our victory, accept it and praise God for it.
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