The Planning

Not only did that Friday change my life, it also meant that I had some planning to do. I had to plan my mom's burial, I felt like I had to become an adult overnight. With my Mom's passing being unexpected my family and I didn't have any money put aside for this kind of thing, I mean my mom was only 40 years old and it all happened so fast. That Friday afternoon I had to swallow my pride and I started a "GoFundME" page ( I hate asking for things, I like to be independent) to pay for the services. I was so overwhelmed with having to plan everything, but everything fell into place. That following Wednesday I found a mortuary near the house to cremate my mom and I'm so grateful for how caring they were. I'm glad my mom always said she wanted to swim with the sharks when she passed so I granted her that last wish. Once I settled everything with the mortuary I was so relieved. Once the cremation part was figured out I had to figure out where I would hold her services. I was able to have the memorial service at my church with great help to mother in law for helping me put that together. The boat was easy to get a hold of too, I'm so grateful for the loving fishing industry family that helped in that department. My church and fishing family were such a blessing at that time and still are of course. Though I didn't understand why I had to plan my mom's life celebration at such a young age God provided during the storm. The GoFundme page was a success and I barely had to pay anything out of pocket. My mom's memorial service was held the Friday following the week I made arrangements. My childhood pastor who was friends with my mom led the service and I gave my mom's story. I don't know how I had the strength to give that speech, but by the grace of God I did. I was so grateful for how smoothly the service went and for all of my family and friends for their support. That Sunday we had the boat service and it went really well, I was so pleased that it was in a way a joyful service and not a depressing one. My mom's personality was vibrant though she was reserved, if that makes sense; I would describe myself using those same words. I said a prayer standing beside my nana and my dad then placed her urn in the ocean. (The urn was made of sea salt so it dissolved in the water.) It was such an emotional moment. After the boat service my dad and I went for a ride and he asked me if I felt successful in the fact I took care of my mom, I felt lost. I spent those first two weeks without my mom keeping my mind solely occupied on planning the services, after that it was "Now what am I supposed to do?". I had to go on with my new "normal" that still doesn't feel normal, in fact some days still don't even feel real to me, but more like a dream or rather a nightmare. During the first week of planning the stress and bottling my emotions to put on this strong persona of who I felt i was supposed to be to plan everything took a toll on my body. I had trouble breathing and made a doctor appointment and he said I was just dealing with some anxiety; let the emotions out it hurts you to stow them away. The planning of services only felt like it'd be the hardest thing to deal with at the time,but now that I look back on it, that was the easy part. Dealing with everyday after that and figuring out what to do next is the hard part. Dealing with the little moments where I wish my mom was here, thinking of my future that I don't get to experience with her, and all of the emotions that I'm not sure how to express or handle in that exact moment are the hardest part of it all.