My background Story

As I was reading my devotional the other day I was praying and thinking; I thought maybe I should write a book, but that's a long process.. So I decided why not a blog. Why am I a 21 year old girl writing about grief by the grace of God? Well, let me tell you my background story. On September 11th 2015 my world fell to pieces when my mom's heart failed and stopped beating around 9 am that Friday morning. I am now slowly trying to pick up those pieces and figure out how I am supposed to live without my mom. I live everyday with the Sunday before her passing on repeat. The night when the nurse had said her blood pressure was way too low for her liking and was rushed to the ICU. I vividly remember her telling me "I'm scared." I told her everything was going to be okay while standing by her side. Once she was rushed down to the ICU my nana (her mom) and I had to wait outside while she was settled in and I was so nervous. When we were finally able to enter the room she was in and out of consciousness; I was getting ready to leave because my nana said she would stay the night. Before I left to go to the car to my dad to give him the latest updates I told my mom I loved her and I repeated it about three times to squeeze one last "I love you" from her. That is the most precious thing I could ever hold onto. After that night my dad and I along with my Nana were back at the hospital everyday that week. My boyfriend and his family also came for support and prayers through that week. That week was filled with so many emotions. I'm an only child so I was the one to make all the major decisions. My nana and I left me with the decisions to make and do whatever I felt right which I felt was a lot of pressure for someone my age, but I also felt it was the least I could do for the woman who has made the right decisions for me while raising me. The doctors told me my mom was the sickest person in that hospital, but I refused to give up hope I believed that God would let her live because she believed so much in her own healing and didn't understand why he wouldn't let my mom be a walking miracle. They kept telling me to think of what would happen if her heart stops. My nana being the stong woman of God she is refused to think of that. Me being me and having my faith also wanted to refuse to think of that, but I did think of the "what if I lose her". The main doctor asked me what we would want to do if her heart stops meaning if we wanted to resuscitate. They discouraged it, but I was going to fight for my mom's life to the very last seccond, I wasn't going to give up on her. The morning of her passing my nana had called me and said the doctors told her she doesn't have much time. My dad and I rushed to the hospital and my boyfriend met us there. I walked into the hospital room with my nana and the doctors were very discouraged of her living and before her heart stopped I had already talked in past tense of her in which i corrected myself quickly because I wasn't giving up not even in that moment though I felt so so defeated. I walked out of the room and sat in the waiting room shaking. Shortly after I heard the code blue alarm and fell to the floor. (I was pacing back and forth in the hall). The doctors came to get me and my nana, my boyfriend came along after they did CPR and the moment they told me she was gone I just fell to the floor. The social worker sat with me and I just cried. My poor boyfriend had to leave the room because he couldn't fathom the hurt I was feeling. I then had to go to the waiting room to tell my dad that my mom had passed. The pain I saw in his eyes were so painful to witness. He had to leave the waiting room to be alone to process it all. My nana, boyfriend, and I went to the waiting room and were then met by my uncles, a good friend from church, my mom-in-law, and sister-in-law. Through that whole week my mom-in-law encouraged me to not give up on God no matter what happened which I'm grateful for. After the commotion I had walked in to say my "goodbyes" which I don't count as goodbye because I talk to her everyday. Once that was taken care I was given a bereavement package and decided I was going to pull myself together and get things taken care of to give my mom the best going home (to heaven) party I could. My dad and I left the hospital together and that was a car ride full of so many emotions. My nana and I went over to tell my other nana (my dad's mom) and that was really hard. Once my nana left I was home by myself (my dad had to go for a ride to clear his head) that gave me time to cry some more and then my boyfriend came over to keep me company then shortly after my aunt and uncle came over with comfort food. That night was the longest night of my life and the emptiest I have ever felt. I still feel empty, but I'm living with it and enduring it only by the grace of God. I rely on Him to replenish my strength daily. Thank you for reading this long introduction of my journey that I plan to share with my readers. Blessings